ENGLAND STATEMENT: RAY CADOGAN

Screenshot 2017-09-03 10.22.24

Ray T Cadogan

@ray_cardogan

Thanks to my friend DoubleHalfbacks (ridiculous hipster tactics notwithstanding) for the use of his website. I will be updating you via here on my career.

Official statement: 03/09/2017

Dear the great British public,

It is with deep regret that I resign from my dream job as England manager. Although I only took over the job for a few moments after Gareth Southgate’s dramatic exit (I can only state again for the record, it was not my idea to drink Serbian plum brandy – lethal – before training that day. I was there, I did refuse a breathalyser, and I am seeking the help that I need. I cannot speak for Gareth, his recovery is his own business, but I intend to defend myself in the strongest possible way), I enjoyed my time at the helm intensely. That training session was possibly the high point of my career. Harry Kane said the cones had never been so straight, and Delle implied that the sprints were ‘alright, boss.’ Raheem can do one.

I will be back. Once my house is in order (the bard), I will be back. I am going to spend a few weeks resting up, recuperating. I’ve been told to go to a few meetings, admit a few things about myself. I may have to start at the bottom, work for win bonuses, crouch on the touchline in the rain in the arse end of England, but I will be back.

FA… You are on notice. That job is rightfully mine.

And Gareth, I have your phone. You threw it in the pool. I fished it out when I fell in. It’s in a bag of rice on my breakfast table. Call me.. Of course not, your phone. Sorry. Pop round sometime. I have a few bottles of that Slivovice left too.

Ray T Cadogan, Berkshire

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